I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
