I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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