yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize