Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
