he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
