Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
