he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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