The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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