There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
