I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
