Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
