These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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