I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Randomize
