I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
