i already hear my dad disowning me
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Green mimosas i think yes
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
