Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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