He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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