I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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