Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
