I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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