and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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