i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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