I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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