Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
