i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
