now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
This baby is an asshole
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
