I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
