I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize