It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
