You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
