Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
