My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
