You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Just puked most of my soul out..
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