I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
