You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize