stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
