omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Randomize
