He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
