if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
