I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
