if i can run in heels then i can drive
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
