Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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