I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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