The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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