It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
