mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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