Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I touched a dick in church today
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
