whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
