The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I want a musical about memes.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
