I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
