dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
