before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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