I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
