don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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