I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I need to stop coming to work sober
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
