I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
